My heart is a mishmash....

Ever felt two feelings being emanated from your heart at the same time...one of extreme happiness and joy and the other being the exact opposite of depression and a sinking feeling...

It is strange how the very person you waited for all your life...your soulmate, your prince charming... the person you are destined to spend your entire married life with... its all peaches and roses in your courtship period and you don't see the reality of things untill it is time for the wedding...

All the little things that you have done in your father's house and all the times your mother has run after you to make you have your meals...the many times you and your brother would be out in the playground chasing that one red and yellow butterfly that caught your fancy....

They say time flies..it literally does..from a baby to a young girl to a prospective bride and now to a fiancee...it seems to all have happened in a flash... and even from the time we first met...and the dates for the wedding were decided...then it seemed like really far off...but now that it is here for real...well almost...it seems to be sinking in as a heavy thought...don't get me wrong...its not like i am not happy to be married...but the fact that i am going away from my immediate family is killing me....

My heart is sinking more and more and getting heavier as each day passes and we get closer to the date of the wedding but then...isn't this every girls dream...to marry and settle with the man she truly chooses to be her protector...her savior and the one who will walk with her in the journey of life....

The mind is selfish..it wants the best of both worlds...it wants the family to stay on and the new entrant to be by her side...but unfortunately that cannot happen...its a very practical world they tell me...but for once i want to be an ill mannered kid and stomp my feet as though i want a certain two toys to keep for myself...sigh...i wish it were that easy...

Its difficult to explain..the feelings..the emotional turmoil within..on one hand life is all rosy and pretty and on the other hand its taking a toll on my emotional side where everything i see or do makes me want to cry...

There is a completely new life beyond the d-day...but the excitement and the anxiety together seem to stirring up a storm in my mind...its doing no good to the upheaval of the  emotions...but i guess just like every whirlpool dies its own death...these feelings of uncertainty will come to rest soon...and just as the rainbow works wonders after a rainy afternoon...the best phase of my life will make all the troubles fade away and the 24 yr long wait worthwhile!!!

The sands of time....

They say nothing is permanent but for change in this world....Its so sad that no matter how hard you try, things don't remain the way you would want them to forever....As soon  as a child is born...the clock of his life is set into motion...he soon learns to recognise his family...to talk and walk and time flies as he gets a mind of his own and he takes independent decisions for himself....

Same is the matter with Death...its cruel mean and painful but inevitable...We may deny it but some day or the other we are all going to have to leave this worldly existence and leave for the heavenly abode...The mere thought of having to lose a loved one or family sends shudders down my spine but somewhere in the back of my mind...I know it is the dark reality of life....

There are so many thoughts that clog our mind..most of which get dispelled even before they are put into the format of speech...but irrespective of that they are in our mind...in some subconcious form...and the vicious circle of thoughts engulfs us....We don't realise but it corrodes us from within...Thats why we need to share our thoughts or else we make a monster out of nothing...

But what do you do in case of thoughts that one cannot tell anyone else but oneself????

Its all going wrong...

You know how it is...when you are confused in the head...and the more you try to sort out the issues....the more they get complicated...its annoying coz each time you come to terms with your own self..and you feel you are somewhat at peace with the thoughts...there is another turmoil and upheaval in your mind..much stronger than the one before...

                                           

Someone you love and trust and feel confidant enough to share the space with...and think they would understand...it breaks your heart to see that they are going through the same thing..of a much higher intensity though.... 

Shutting out from the world and screaming  your gut out to stop all the external noise seems to be an option...but what do you do about the churning of emotions inside of you...there is no solution...you can only wait and watch and see how things will sort for themselves....

I would always say to whoever was flustered with the things in life...that come what may when you see that nothing is working out fine and everything you wanted is so not how you had pictured it...and there is nothing that you do or say that is going to change it....with every word spoken by you bonafide is being taken and held against you...you are in a sandstorm situation...the more you try to grab things whilst the storm is on its peak..the only thing you manage to get.....is a blinded vision with all the mud in your eyes....

But now when it has come to applying the same funda on myself..I am doing exact the same thing I advised the others from doing...guess they are right when they say "easier said; than done"...I feel miserable really low in the stomach...there is this huge void that has been created in my mind....

So many people are upset...its all going wrong...this is not what I had pictured things to be like...this is so not what I had wanted....there is nothing I can do to change things...coz whatever I am saying or feeling is not what is being conveyed...its quite the opposite...its killing me from within...I will put up a brave front for sure...and will pull it off as well...but how long will that last...how long will i be able to pull it off i wonder (!_!)

Precious relations...

Nothing in life is permanent...expect for change...it could be for the better, or the worse...but it does leave a lasting impression...on our hearts, on our minds and in some cases even our souls!!! 


The sapling that you plant water and nurture  for so many years..having protected it from all external exegenices..and having given the best of both worlds...one fine day...you hand it over to another person...hoping that he will take care of it...just the way you did...cause the sapling, which is now a lively tree...is none other than your child....


You take the next step...the mind is cluttered with a million thoughts...what would be my soul mate like? will i live the life of love i always dreamed of...will he hold my hand and be besides me...against all odds...will i be able to be a good soul mate...and so on and so forth...


Then there are apprehensions...where all negative things come to one's mind...and we think of the worst of our nightmares coming true....where we think...what if i am a misfit and unable to adjust...what if he has painted a rosy picture of his life...completely different from mine!!


Thoughts that battle day in day out...the positivity wins over the negative and then you feel the thing...we all long to feel..wanted and loved...its the time you feel all gooey and mushy from inside...when you literally know what it is to go weak in the knees when you see someone...how your entire face flushes with colour when the special somone...gives the look that you know says a million things...while to the world..it is only silence...


You can't sleep...you loose your appetite...when you are with them..time flies and when you are away...you miss them so much...your heart does a million flips a minute and you feel that the pain could almost kill you....you know there is something changing in your life...inside you...you know it...but you cant explain it to anyone....


Day in day out...you are in a trance...you see stuff but cant relate to it...its all a tizzy for you...you don't know whats hit you...the world is a beautiful place and everything seems nice...the birds...the breeze...they all seem to fresh and rejuvinating....


No one else but you seem to notice the difference in the way the world has become...you can't do without them...they are always in your mind...when you are with them...you eyes light up...you want to stand on a mountain and scream your gut out...the joys is overflowing...you want to share your happiness with the world...the feeling of ecstasy comes to you without anything to lift your spirits...and lingers on and on...


It could be magic...it could be love...whatever it is...it sure makes the world go round...with them as the center of your world...its awesome..its fantabulous..its where words coagulate and words get stuck in your throat cause you are overawed with what's happening around you...you cant tell..but only feel..the change thats coming over  you....it gives you a reason to smile... a reason to believe in him above and moreover a reason to know that you were meant to be together...FOREVER!!!!

Change has come....

Life is truly Pandora's magic box...you never know what is gonna come your way next...and when you are down in the dumps and think it to be the end of the world for you...all your prayers seem to reach God and you get much more than what you could have ever imagined!!!

Its like walking on clouds...have a million butterflies take flight in the center of your tummy...its like being so happy with the way things are that it resonates from within for about a couple of miles around you...

Some may call it luck...others call it karma...it is linked to destiny in some way or the other...we may not agree today,tomorrow or even day after...but then sooner or later nature will conspire in such a way to make you bow on your knees and accept things the way they are...coz there shall be no other logical explanation for the same...

Time and again the circumstances are such that they compel you to believe in the existence of the higher being the controller of this game of life and we are merely the pawns that move as per his desires...and as each petal of life unfurls it brings with it innumerable joys and reasons to celebrate...but as they say...joy comes to those with the keen eye for the finer things of life :)

The repeated mistake...

The smallest of bruises hurt more than the largest of any cuts...know why? coz they don't show and only you can feel the pain...the same is when some one lets you down...only you know how low you feel and the rush of adrenaline when you wanna smash into a buzillion pieces the pretty picture you had of some one in your mind....

So many times you trust is shattered...and you swear never to trust anyone ever again...and yet again we fall prey to these emotions and end up being emotional fools...its a vicious circle...the harder you try to stay away from the matters of the heart...the more you fall prey to them....

Its easy to say that I keep my head above my shoulders but still there is this teeny weeny nerve that goes straight from the heart and touches upon the button that makes all the wrong decisions...and we sit and regret and fret and sweat over wasted emotions but to no avail...we just can't help it can we?

Only saints they say can control their desires...but in today's world with everything luring you to forbidden paths...even that seems a remote possibility...and while we are only mortals...we are bound to make mistakes...over and over...again and again...

Somehow we begin to feel that every time our trust is taken for a ride...we become more careful and such things are a rarity for us...little do we know with every fresh blow we become more susceptible and vulnerable to such like incidents...

Its never ending..till the time you heart pounds...it yearns for something or the others....it may get love...it may get fear but the worst and the most abundantly available and recurring being... the ripping of the thing called the heart through your chest but merciless hands of fate...wringing it so hard...you don't feel anything...but you see the blood ooze out and a sharp pain as though you've been stabbed by a sharp knife by someone you loved and trusted...blindly!!!!

Life isn't all ha ha he he!!!!

How i wish being alive was as simple as I thought of it to be in the days when climbing on trees and chasing butterflies was a way of living...when i was young i wanted to be older and be able to stay up late and do what i wanted...and now that i am of the ripe age and the matured understanding...i desperately need a time machine to go back into the days and nights of endless laughter and cuddles.....

It was so easy to come running into Dad's arms cause you were frightened at the sight of a frog that croaked in the midst of your play...and the unconditional hugs and kisses that everyone showered upon me as a child...not for any other reason...but for being me....

Gone are the days when the clouds told stories all by themselves and characters from the Enid Blyton series were before me in all my games and play...The things that were a matter of life and death were no more serious than a hurt knee or a lose tooth all set to fall, and the much awaited trip of the tooth fairy..who i could somehow never be awake to meet!!!!

But now things are changing...and changing real fast...the monster of the Ozone hole is long forgotten...its been surpassed by the demon of recession..and terrorisn and swine flu...and to come to think of it...i still don't care....maybe because i don't want the bubble to burst..i don't want to let go of the past and most of all...i don't want this dream to end....

To world i may appear as someone who is snobbish and full of attitude...to some i maybe the kindest soul on this planet..but i have lost myself in the dellusion of just existing and not living...its all a distant dream...my soul wont talk to me...it doesn't recognise my call anymore....in the game called pretence...i have forgotten who i actually am...

I wonder how when and where will i rediscover myself...i am looking for what i have lost...something that cannot be explained in words...something that hurts in a funny way..i think its what i feel....there is a certain amount of dissent in the air...but why? what have i done to deserve this...

The mirage of marriage....

Huh so much for the hoopla hoop of the ritual of marriage.... i could most likely relate myself to Kareena as Geet in Jab we met...as bubbly as her and maybe even more full of life...and yes "mujhe bhi bachpan se hi(more like ever since 18yrs of age) shaadi karney ka bada hi shauk tha!!!

Well little did I know that the entire ordeal of finding the right match..in my Rajputi birdadari would turn my shauk into a rude shock!!!

As I graduated from college and started my life as a lawyer...my parents seriously began hunting for a guy as my soul mate....it was all fun and frolic...looking at silly looking men who would pose with their tummies in and chests out in their 'perfect' matrimonial pics as per them....

I always thought of marriage (and a wee bit still do) as as reason to celebrate...a ceremony with festivities galore with the bride being the most sought after...the prettiest looking thing and the centre of attraction...the gifts..the song and dance...it all enthralled me to no extent...

Just like most other girls of my age..when i was young, i believed myself to be living in a make believe world where I was the fairy princess and everything would happen just the way I wanted it to.... As I grew...many a times my illusionary world was pierced howsoever slightly by harsh reality but the dream of my own wedding being hitch free, stayed intact...

I was never the rebellious kinds...not only because I respect my parents to such an extent that the thought of rebelling kinda scares me....but also because I never fell in love with someone to such an extent so as to think of spending my whole life with him...Love has to adjust itself into the practicalities of life...and when it demands things that don't suit my convenience...i show it the way out!!!

But then came the turning point where I was to meet a person in flesh and blood...to tell you the truth...i hated the fact that he was from a certain part of the country which is renowned for its unruly behaviour, lack of manners and absolute hooliganism..i hated the fact that he was much older than  i...i even hated the way he looked...but i gave in to my parents suggestions for the reasons mentioned above... frankly speaking...if this fellow wasn't a candidate as a prospective groom for me and had i seen him in a mall or somewhere...i wouldn't have even noticed him...let alone casting a second glance...

Not that I am Cleopatra myself...but looks are nevertheless important for me...though in the long run its only the nature that lasts....still in the battle of the mind and the heart...the consensus drawn is that looks can be compromised over nature ....but only to a certain extent...i can't possibly marry shrek!!!

I had met him online on the insistence of my parents and had kinda tried to analyze him and found him just about average... and then i don't really know what happened but the next day i hear that things are being called off...as he wasn't too keen on continuing the talks...

Flabbergasted would also be an understatement...what i felt that very instant was a rush of devios feelings....nothing short of murdering and cutting him into a million pieces and feeding him to the dogs....for no other reason but for the fact that how could he (the ugly duckling) say no to ME!!! of all the people in the world...i guess that's what happen when they say 'pride goes before a fall' well that's when my hurt ego bled for days together...i would be quiet and depressed for i failed to understand as to what had gone wrong...

Not being the kinds to take injustice lying down...i wrote back to him...as i wanted an explanation for this erratic behaviour...i had half a mind of giving him an earful but being extra careful (i didn't want to leave any written proof of my actions with him) i chose to give him my cell number..which is something i don't give to guys that easily...no matter how well i may know them...its just my style of being pricey!!!!

But then my family was also simultaneously trying to coax him into meeting us once in person and clear all doubts before taking the final step..and to which he agreed...i buried all the hatchets and tried to forgive him for his misdoings in the past and assented to meet him...little did i know what was in store for me....

The big day came...i had spoken to those who have been through this ordeal before...as to how do you know that ' he is the one' and i was told that i would feel it myself...unfortunately the first thing that came to my mind when i saw him was eeeu...though he doesn't all that bad in person...he is way below my expectations...and then we got talking, with every sentence exchanged i understood how different he was from me...he had no sense of humor... he was so sombre with his approach towards life while i wore extra large rose colored glasses to see the world....

Our choice of movies...our habits and almost everything we spoke of in the 60 minutes of conversation(with me doing most of the talking) I realised how much we were meant to not be together... and my now i had started talking to him as if he were someone known and not someone who i was to portray my best before...it didn't seem worth it!!!!

When we returned home...everyone asked me how it went...i said that on a scale of 1 to 10 i would give it a possibility of '7' for things to work out...I mean that's what i thought.. he would want to marry me and I would have to say no....

But the very next day I learnt that the guy who was 30 years of age gave a lame excuse that he wasn't ready to get married...well at once i was shocked for i had never faced rejection before and it came as a revelation of facts 'in my face'..everyone was quiet in the family and i was being consoled by being told reasons why it was good that i didn't marry him...

Slowly and gradually i started feeling glad that i escaped getting married to the guy who i didn't in the least bit click with...i mean who in this world can live without a sense of humor!!! d-uh!!

And now i learn that the guy is engaged...to someone i know through my friend circle...he doesn't know that i know of his engagement...i don't think he even cares...i have half a mind to go to his marriage and give him a shock of his life by confronting him and his true 'louve' as to how he had no courage to tell me the truth...while i was willing to face it all along....but then i guess he is not worth the effort...actually no one is...apart from your own self....

So this chapter has closed here..with its own ups and downs...i am not ready to take another emotional setback in the next 6 months..i hope i don't have to subject myself to another such interview...as one of the qualifying stages of the examination called the Arrange Marriage...but then life is unpredictable..and god plays his cards as and when he feels like and lands you in a quirky situation when you are least bit expecting it and completely unprepared..but then that's the beauty of life....expecting the unexpected!!!!

Is it a phase of life or am I the phase of my life?

I am wondering what I will do with my life...with mammoth sized dreams and never ending needs achieving it all is a herculean task!!!

When I was in 10th standard I never really bothered about my life, career and related stuff seriously, I seemed to have been lost in my own world..not that I have any regrets to the same..at least I enjoyed my school life unlike others..

It would not be wrong to say that I am gifted, no wonder even without much effort..life seems to be taking its own course which suits my needs fine...reinstating the fact of the existence of the big guy somewhere in the clouds!!!

Ever since my last year of college began the turmoil of the mind and the heart...the first four years of law college were a perfect honeymoon, and unfortunately just like any other vacation...it was bound to end...

Much to my dislike I took up a job with a meager pay and my dreams of owing a house and car within the first two years of professional life (yes i told you I have an unreal wish list) ...well so much so that I realized the value of the smallest denomination of the currency, simultaneously shattering my dreams and making me realize the hard life...

In less than an year I had changed 3 jobs and each one I left in the search of something better, not only monetarily but also something that would appeal to me and gimme a reason to go to office looking forward to working and not just dragging my feet just for the heck of it...

Days became months and the unrest continued...so much so that I felt that every single day of my life was being wasted and the layer of innocence that was once omnipresent was being being mercilessly ripped apart....

So finally after seeing life up close and personal and realizing that the dreams I have need wings to materialise...I am back to my books...to now pursue a career which more than me, my parents want me to fit into....for my life long betterment of course!

So many times the patience runs out, the wait is frustrating, but then in my head I hear the song "these boots are meant for walking...and that's what they're gonna do" and so back I come to my life and continue to do what I must....

The karma theory...as you sow..so shall you reap...So now is the time to sow..I will sow a tree and not a shrub..and the tree that benefits everyone...not just me and my kith and kin...

Each time my patience and belief in self crumbles....and I am vulnerable to succumbing to the forces...more internal than external ....I look at my parents and am at peace with myself....for when they believe in me...and the re-assuring look that says "may the force be with you"

I know I am here for a reason...am god's special child...the struggle is frugal as compared to the rewards...so the karma must go on...undying and selfless!!!