Life isn't all ha ha he he!!!!

How i wish being alive was as simple as I thought of it to be in the days when climbing on trees and chasing butterflies was a way of living...when i was young i wanted to be older and be able to stay up late and do what i wanted...and now that i am of the ripe age and the matured understanding...i desperately need a time machine to go back into the days and nights of endless laughter and cuddles.....

It was so easy to come running into Dad's arms cause you were frightened at the sight of a frog that croaked in the midst of your play...and the unconditional hugs and kisses that everyone showered upon me as a child...not for any other reason...but for being me....

Gone are the days when the clouds told stories all by themselves and characters from the Enid Blyton series were before me in all my games and play...The things that were a matter of life and death were no more serious than a hurt knee or a lose tooth all set to fall, and the much awaited trip of the tooth fairy..who i could somehow never be awake to meet!!!!

But now things are changing...and changing real fast...the monster of the Ozone hole is long forgotten...its been surpassed by the demon of recession..and terrorisn and swine flu...and to come to think of it...i still don't care....maybe because i don't want the bubble to burst..i don't want to let go of the past and most of all...i don't want this dream to end....

To world i may appear as someone who is snobbish and full of attitude...to some i maybe the kindest soul on this planet..but i have lost myself in the dellusion of just existing and not living...its all a distant dream...my soul wont talk to me...it doesn't recognise my call anymore....in the game called pretence...i have forgotten who i actually am...

I wonder how when and where will i rediscover myself...i am looking for what i have lost...something that cannot be explained in words...something that hurts in a funny way..i think its what i feel....there is a certain amount of dissent in the air...but why? what have i done to deserve this...

The mirage of marriage....

Huh so much for the hoopla hoop of the ritual of marriage.... i could most likely relate myself to Kareena as Geet in Jab we met...as bubbly as her and maybe even more full of life...and yes "mujhe bhi bachpan se hi(more like ever since 18yrs of age) shaadi karney ka bada hi shauk tha!!!

Well little did I know that the entire ordeal of finding the right match..in my Rajputi birdadari would turn my shauk into a rude shock!!!

As I graduated from college and started my life as a lawyer...my parents seriously began hunting for a guy as my soul mate....it was all fun and frolic...looking at silly looking men who would pose with their tummies in and chests out in their 'perfect' matrimonial pics as per them....

I always thought of marriage (and a wee bit still do) as as reason to celebrate...a ceremony with festivities galore with the bride being the most sought after...the prettiest looking thing and the centre of attraction...the gifts..the song and dance...it all enthralled me to no extent...

Just like most other girls of my age..when i was young, i believed myself to be living in a make believe world where I was the fairy princess and everything would happen just the way I wanted it to.... As I grew...many a times my illusionary world was pierced howsoever slightly by harsh reality but the dream of my own wedding being hitch free, stayed intact...

I was never the rebellious kinds...not only because I respect my parents to such an extent that the thought of rebelling kinda scares me....but also because I never fell in love with someone to such an extent so as to think of spending my whole life with him...Love has to adjust itself into the practicalities of life...and when it demands things that don't suit my convenience...i show it the way out!!!

But then came the turning point where I was to meet a person in flesh and blood...to tell you the truth...i hated the fact that he was from a certain part of the country which is renowned for its unruly behaviour, lack of manners and absolute hooliganism..i hated the fact that he was much older than  i...i even hated the way he looked...but i gave in to my parents suggestions for the reasons mentioned above... frankly speaking...if this fellow wasn't a candidate as a prospective groom for me and had i seen him in a mall or somewhere...i wouldn't have even noticed him...let alone casting a second glance...

Not that I am Cleopatra myself...but looks are nevertheless important for me...though in the long run its only the nature that lasts....still in the battle of the mind and the heart...the consensus drawn is that looks can be compromised over nature ....but only to a certain extent...i can't possibly marry shrek!!!

I had met him online on the insistence of my parents and had kinda tried to analyze him and found him just about average... and then i don't really know what happened but the next day i hear that things are being called off...as he wasn't too keen on continuing the talks...

Flabbergasted would also be an understatement...what i felt that very instant was a rush of devios feelings....nothing short of murdering and cutting him into a million pieces and feeding him to the dogs....for no other reason but for the fact that how could he (the ugly duckling) say no to ME!!! of all the people in the world...i guess that's what happen when they say 'pride goes before a fall' well that's when my hurt ego bled for days together...i would be quiet and depressed for i failed to understand as to what had gone wrong...

Not being the kinds to take injustice lying down...i wrote back to him...as i wanted an explanation for this erratic behaviour...i had half a mind of giving him an earful but being extra careful (i didn't want to leave any written proof of my actions with him) i chose to give him my cell number..which is something i don't give to guys that easily...no matter how well i may know them...its just my style of being pricey!!!!

But then my family was also simultaneously trying to coax him into meeting us once in person and clear all doubts before taking the final step..and to which he agreed...i buried all the hatchets and tried to forgive him for his misdoings in the past and assented to meet him...little did i know what was in store for me....

The big day came...i had spoken to those who have been through this ordeal before...as to how do you know that ' he is the one' and i was told that i would feel it myself...unfortunately the first thing that came to my mind when i saw him was eeeu...though he doesn't all that bad in person...he is way below my expectations...and then we got talking, with every sentence exchanged i understood how different he was from me...he had no sense of humor... he was so sombre with his approach towards life while i wore extra large rose colored glasses to see the world....

Our choice of movies...our habits and almost everything we spoke of in the 60 minutes of conversation(with me doing most of the talking) I realised how much we were meant to not be together... and my now i had started talking to him as if he were someone known and not someone who i was to portray my best before...it didn't seem worth it!!!!

When we returned home...everyone asked me how it went...i said that on a scale of 1 to 10 i would give it a possibility of '7' for things to work out...I mean that's what i thought.. he would want to marry me and I would have to say no....

But the very next day I learnt that the guy who was 30 years of age gave a lame excuse that he wasn't ready to get married...well at once i was shocked for i had never faced rejection before and it came as a revelation of facts 'in my face'..everyone was quiet in the family and i was being consoled by being told reasons why it was good that i didn't marry him...

Slowly and gradually i started feeling glad that i escaped getting married to the guy who i didn't in the least bit click with...i mean who in this world can live without a sense of humor!!! d-uh!!

And now i learn that the guy is engaged...to someone i know through my friend circle...he doesn't know that i know of his engagement...i don't think he even cares...i have half a mind to go to his marriage and give him a shock of his life by confronting him and his true 'louve' as to how he had no courage to tell me the truth...while i was willing to face it all along....but then i guess he is not worth the effort...actually no one is...apart from your own self....

So this chapter has closed here..with its own ups and downs...i am not ready to take another emotional setback in the next 6 months..i hope i don't have to subject myself to another such interview...as one of the qualifying stages of the examination called the Arrange Marriage...but then life is unpredictable..and god plays his cards as and when he feels like and lands you in a quirky situation when you are least bit expecting it and completely unprepared..but then that's the beauty of life....expecting the unexpected!!!!

Is it a phase of life or am I the phase of my life?

I am wondering what I will do with my life...with mammoth sized dreams and never ending needs achieving it all is a herculean task!!!

When I was in 10th standard I never really bothered about my life, career and related stuff seriously, I seemed to have been lost in my own world..not that I have any regrets to the same..at least I enjoyed my school life unlike others..

It would not be wrong to say that I am gifted, no wonder even without much effort..life seems to be taking its own course which suits my needs fine...reinstating the fact of the existence of the big guy somewhere in the clouds!!!

Ever since my last year of college began the turmoil of the mind and the heart...the first four years of law college were a perfect honeymoon, and unfortunately just like any other vacation...it was bound to end...

Much to my dislike I took up a job with a meager pay and my dreams of owing a house and car within the first two years of professional life (yes i told you I have an unreal wish list) ...well so much so that I realized the value of the smallest denomination of the currency, simultaneously shattering my dreams and making me realize the hard life...

In less than an year I had changed 3 jobs and each one I left in the search of something better, not only monetarily but also something that would appeal to me and gimme a reason to go to office looking forward to working and not just dragging my feet just for the heck of it...

Days became months and the unrest continued...so much so that I felt that every single day of my life was being wasted and the layer of innocence that was once omnipresent was being being mercilessly ripped apart....

So finally after seeing life up close and personal and realizing that the dreams I have need wings to materialise...I am back to my books...to now pursue a career which more than me, my parents want me to fit into....for my life long betterment of course!

So many times the patience runs out, the wait is frustrating, but then in my head I hear the song "these boots are meant for walking...and that's what they're gonna do" and so back I come to my life and continue to do what I must....

The karma theory...as you sow..so shall you reap...So now is the time to sow..I will sow a tree and not a shrub..and the tree that benefits everyone...not just me and my kith and kin...

Each time my patience and belief in self crumbles....and I am vulnerable to succumbing to the forces...more internal than external ....I look at my parents and am at peace with myself....for when they believe in me...and the re-assuring look that says "may the force be with you"

I know I am here for a reason...am god's special child...the struggle is frugal as compared to the rewards...so the karma must go on...undying and selfless!!!