My heart is a mishmash....

Ever felt two feelings being emanated from your heart at the same time...one of extreme happiness and joy and the other being the exact opposite of depression and a sinking feeling...

It is strange how the very person you waited for all your life...your soulmate, your prince charming... the person you are destined to spend your entire married life with... its all peaches and roses in your courtship period and you don't see the reality of things untill it is time for the wedding...

All the little things that you have done in your father's house and all the times your mother has run after you to make you have your meals...the many times you and your brother would be out in the playground chasing that one red and yellow butterfly that caught your fancy....

They say time flies..it literally does..from a baby to a young girl to a prospective bride and now to a fiancee...it seems to all have happened in a flash... and even from the time we first met...and the dates for the wedding were decided...then it seemed like really far off...but now that it is here for real...well almost...it seems to be sinking in as a heavy thought...don't get me wrong...its not like i am not happy to be married...but the fact that i am going away from my immediate family is killing me....

My heart is sinking more and more and getting heavier as each day passes and we get closer to the date of the wedding but then...isn't this every girls dream...to marry and settle with the man she truly chooses to be her protector...her savior and the one who will walk with her in the journey of life....

The mind is selfish..it wants the best of both worlds...it wants the family to stay on and the new entrant to be by her side...but unfortunately that cannot happen...its a very practical world they tell me...but for once i want to be an ill mannered kid and stomp my feet as though i want a certain two toys to keep for myself...sigh...i wish it were that easy...

Its difficult to explain..the feelings..the emotional turmoil within..on one hand life is all rosy and pretty and on the other hand its taking a toll on my emotional side where everything i see or do makes me want to cry...

There is a completely new life beyond the d-day...but the excitement and the anxiety together seem to stirring up a storm in my mind...its doing no good to the upheaval of the  emotions...but i guess just like every whirlpool dies its own death...these feelings of uncertainty will come to rest soon...and just as the rainbow works wonders after a rainy afternoon...the best phase of my life will make all the troubles fade away and the 24 yr long wait worthwhile!!!

The sands of time....

They say nothing is permanent but for change in this world....Its so sad that no matter how hard you try, things don't remain the way you would want them to forever....As soon  as a child is born...the clock of his life is set into motion...he soon learns to recognise his family...to talk and walk and time flies as he gets a mind of his own and he takes independent decisions for himself....

Same is the matter with Death...its cruel mean and painful but inevitable...We may deny it but some day or the other we are all going to have to leave this worldly existence and leave for the heavenly abode...The mere thought of having to lose a loved one or family sends shudders down my spine but somewhere in the back of my mind...I know it is the dark reality of life....

There are so many thoughts that clog our mind..most of which get dispelled even before they are put into the format of speech...but irrespective of that they are in our mind...in some subconcious form...and the vicious circle of thoughts engulfs us....We don't realise but it corrodes us from within...Thats why we need to share our thoughts or else we make a monster out of nothing...

But what do you do in case of thoughts that one cannot tell anyone else but oneself????

Its all going wrong...

You know how it is...when you are confused in the head...and the more you try to sort out the issues....the more they get complicated...its annoying coz each time you come to terms with your own self..and you feel you are somewhat at peace with the thoughts...there is another turmoil and upheaval in your mind..much stronger than the one before...

                                           

Someone you love and trust and feel confidant enough to share the space with...and think they would understand...it breaks your heart to see that they are going through the same thing..of a much higher intensity though.... 

Shutting out from the world and screaming  your gut out to stop all the external noise seems to be an option...but what do you do about the churning of emotions inside of you...there is no solution...you can only wait and watch and see how things will sort for themselves....

I would always say to whoever was flustered with the things in life...that come what may when you see that nothing is working out fine and everything you wanted is so not how you had pictured it...and there is nothing that you do or say that is going to change it....with every word spoken by you bonafide is being taken and held against you...you are in a sandstorm situation...the more you try to grab things whilst the storm is on its peak..the only thing you manage to get.....is a blinded vision with all the mud in your eyes....

But now when it has come to applying the same funda on myself..I am doing exact the same thing I advised the others from doing...guess they are right when they say "easier said; than done"...I feel miserable really low in the stomach...there is this huge void that has been created in my mind....

So many people are upset...its all going wrong...this is not what I had pictured things to be like...this is so not what I had wanted....there is nothing I can do to change things...coz whatever I am saying or feeling is not what is being conveyed...its quite the opposite...its killing me from within...I will put up a brave front for sure...and will pull it off as well...but how long will that last...how long will i be able to pull it off i wonder (!_!)

Precious relations...

Nothing in life is permanent...expect for change...it could be for the better, or the worse...but it does leave a lasting impression...on our hearts, on our minds and in some cases even our souls!!! 


The sapling that you plant water and nurture  for so many years..having protected it from all external exegenices..and having given the best of both worlds...one fine day...you hand it over to another person...hoping that he will take care of it...just the way you did...cause the sapling, which is now a lively tree...is none other than your child....


You take the next step...the mind is cluttered with a million thoughts...what would be my soul mate like? will i live the life of love i always dreamed of...will he hold my hand and be besides me...against all odds...will i be able to be a good soul mate...and so on and so forth...


Then there are apprehensions...where all negative things come to one's mind...and we think of the worst of our nightmares coming true....where we think...what if i am a misfit and unable to adjust...what if he has painted a rosy picture of his life...completely different from mine!!


Thoughts that battle day in day out...the positivity wins over the negative and then you feel the thing...we all long to feel..wanted and loved...its the time you feel all gooey and mushy from inside...when you literally know what it is to go weak in the knees when you see someone...how your entire face flushes with colour when the special somone...gives the look that you know says a million things...while to the world..it is only silence...


You can't sleep...you loose your appetite...when you are with them..time flies and when you are away...you miss them so much...your heart does a million flips a minute and you feel that the pain could almost kill you....you know there is something changing in your life...inside you...you know it...but you cant explain it to anyone....


Day in day out...you are in a trance...you see stuff but cant relate to it...its all a tizzy for you...you don't know whats hit you...the world is a beautiful place and everything seems nice...the birds...the breeze...they all seem to fresh and rejuvinating....


No one else but you seem to notice the difference in the way the world has become...you can't do without them...they are always in your mind...when you are with them...you eyes light up...you want to stand on a mountain and scream your gut out...the joys is overflowing...you want to share your happiness with the world...the feeling of ecstasy comes to you without anything to lift your spirits...and lingers on and on...


It could be magic...it could be love...whatever it is...it sure makes the world go round...with them as the center of your world...its awesome..its fantabulous..its where words coagulate and words get stuck in your throat cause you are overawed with what's happening around you...you cant tell..but only feel..the change thats coming over  you....it gives you a reason to smile... a reason to believe in him above and moreover a reason to know that you were meant to be together...FOREVER!!!!

Change has come....

Life is truly Pandora's magic box...you never know what is gonna come your way next...and when you are down in the dumps and think it to be the end of the world for you...all your prayers seem to reach God and you get much more than what you could have ever imagined!!!

Its like walking on clouds...have a million butterflies take flight in the center of your tummy...its like being so happy with the way things are that it resonates from within for about a couple of miles around you...

Some may call it luck...others call it karma...it is linked to destiny in some way or the other...we may not agree today,tomorrow or even day after...but then sooner or later nature will conspire in such a way to make you bow on your knees and accept things the way they are...coz there shall be no other logical explanation for the same...

Time and again the circumstances are such that they compel you to believe in the existence of the higher being the controller of this game of life and we are merely the pawns that move as per his desires...and as each petal of life unfurls it brings with it innumerable joys and reasons to celebrate...but as they say...joy comes to those with the keen eye for the finer things of life :)

The repeated mistake...

The smallest of bruises hurt more than the largest of any cuts...know why? coz they don't show and only you can feel the pain...the same is when some one lets you down...only you know how low you feel and the rush of adrenaline when you wanna smash into a buzillion pieces the pretty picture you had of some one in your mind....

So many times you trust is shattered...and you swear never to trust anyone ever again...and yet again we fall prey to these emotions and end up being emotional fools...its a vicious circle...the harder you try to stay away from the matters of the heart...the more you fall prey to them....

Its easy to say that I keep my head above my shoulders but still there is this teeny weeny nerve that goes straight from the heart and touches upon the button that makes all the wrong decisions...and we sit and regret and fret and sweat over wasted emotions but to no avail...we just can't help it can we?

Only saints they say can control their desires...but in today's world with everything luring you to forbidden paths...even that seems a remote possibility...and while we are only mortals...we are bound to make mistakes...over and over...again and again...

Somehow we begin to feel that every time our trust is taken for a ride...we become more careful and such things are a rarity for us...little do we know with every fresh blow we become more susceptible and vulnerable to such like incidents...

Its never ending..till the time you heart pounds...it yearns for something or the others....it may get love...it may get fear but the worst and the most abundantly available and recurring being... the ripping of the thing called the heart through your chest but merciless hands of fate...wringing it so hard...you don't feel anything...but you see the blood ooze out and a sharp pain as though you've been stabbed by a sharp knife by someone you loved and trusted...blindly!!!!

Life isn't all ha ha he he!!!!

How i wish being alive was as simple as I thought of it to be in the days when climbing on trees and chasing butterflies was a way of living...when i was young i wanted to be older and be able to stay up late and do what i wanted...and now that i am of the ripe age and the matured understanding...i desperately need a time machine to go back into the days and nights of endless laughter and cuddles.....

It was so easy to come running into Dad's arms cause you were frightened at the sight of a frog that croaked in the midst of your play...and the unconditional hugs and kisses that everyone showered upon me as a child...not for any other reason...but for being me....

Gone are the days when the clouds told stories all by themselves and characters from the Enid Blyton series were before me in all my games and play...The things that were a matter of life and death were no more serious than a hurt knee or a lose tooth all set to fall, and the much awaited trip of the tooth fairy..who i could somehow never be awake to meet!!!!

But now things are changing...and changing real fast...the monster of the Ozone hole is long forgotten...its been surpassed by the demon of recession..and terrorisn and swine flu...and to come to think of it...i still don't care....maybe because i don't want the bubble to burst..i don't want to let go of the past and most of all...i don't want this dream to end....

To world i may appear as someone who is snobbish and full of attitude...to some i maybe the kindest soul on this planet..but i have lost myself in the dellusion of just existing and not living...its all a distant dream...my soul wont talk to me...it doesn't recognise my call anymore....in the game called pretence...i have forgotten who i actually am...

I wonder how when and where will i rediscover myself...i am looking for what i have lost...something that cannot be explained in words...something that hurts in a funny way..i think its what i feel....there is a certain amount of dissent in the air...but why? what have i done to deserve this...